Grief...how not to deal

AAAGGGHHH!!! That about sums up my week. PMS and a boss who's actually been in the office most of the week. The two combined are not a good combination.

I haven't written in the longest time, but I'm feeling angry (part PMS, part who knows?) and so I thought I'd write about it and at least get it off my chest.

Since I last wrote, my brother passed away. Took his own life due to stress. I'm going to be honest and say that I have not yet dealt with the fact that he's gone. Who has time? I can't deal with it at work obviously. And when I come home I have Carson. I can't exactly have a melt down in front of him. He's too young to understand what has happened. I probably should have been writing a long time ago. I think it may help more than even I realize.

When it first happened, the only time I cried was when we first went to the funeral home to make plans. That's when it really hit me. Of course I cried at his funeral as well. I'm just not much of a crier. Plus I really needed to be strong for mom and dad. I can't even imagine how I would be if something happened to Carson. They'd had 29 years with Andy. There were some trying years, but overall 29 happy years with him. And then, thanks to one stupid ass psycho girlfriend he was gone. The pain that she caused him was bad enough for him to take his own life and leave his 3 year old daughter without a father. What does that say about the girlfriend? Not a whole lot. I'm gonna be honest and say that I didn't get it at first. I thought suicide was the selfish way out. Is there no one he felt he could talk to? Apparently he was on depression meds, but they obviously weren't helping. Or he was on the wrong dosage. Either way, he felt suicide was the best option. After listening to mom talk about the psycho bitch (pardon my language, but that's how I feel) I totally understand why he did it. I don't like it, but I get it.

Here lately I've been thinking about him a lot. He consumes most of my thoughts. His 30th birthday is rapidly approaching. Mother's Day is the day before. Dad's birthday is only a few days before that. I've come to dread the holidays now. Mostly because you don't know how anyone will react to the day. Thanksgiving and Christmas actually went better than I thought they would. But Mother's Day and his birthday could be different.

I feel bad for his little girl. She's living in an unstable house but there's nothing we can do about it because the mom hasn't done anything wrong...yet. So...AAAGGGHHH. That's how I feel about everything. It did feel better to write some things down. Guess I should do it more often.